Jack's Tale
by Doubleblood
Summary: I came up with this randomly. Rated T for drunk Jesus and sexual situations. Sorry it's so short.
1. Chapter 1

"How could we have possibly lost a Wu to Jack!" Rai yelled.

Lamia smiled, "Wow, have you been practicing? You actually beat a Monk… fairly."

Jack smiled, "Ah, this reminds me of a story. It has a moral, too.

One day in Fairy Bot land, Bob and Frankie were eating hotdogs when the voice of God came down and said, "Bob and Frankie, you are to scour the world for the giant pickle-hoppers. When you find them, bring them to the great escalator of DOOM."

So Frankie and Bob set out on their quest. Eventually, they got lost in the woods and Bob converted to cannibalism and ate Frankie, but got eaten by a bear.

So the bear met a dragon named Santamarshmallowsarchophagus and the two of them decided to go visit Michael Jackson. So they went to Planet Cheezburger and found Michael, and the three of them shared a milkshake. Then Jesus came down and demanded a beer. After a few drinks he got crazy drunk and started destroying everything. Then he took Michael, Santamarshmallowsarchophagus, and the bear to Heaven to talk to God where they all decided to have sex. Five weeks later Santamarshmallowsarchophagus gets pregnant and has twelve mutant Santamarshmallowsarchophagus babies. So Jesus, God, Santamarshmallowsarchophagus, and the bear fight for custody over the babies, but end up getting killed by the Vulcans. Spock takes the babies to the Enterprise, uses them for food, and has his way with Captain Kirk. The end."

Wuya and Chase stared at Jack like he'd gone mad. Raimundo had his hands over

Omi's ears, who was confused. Clay sighed and shook his head while Kimiko gave the same look Chase and Wuya were giving.

Lamia smiled, "That was a great story, Jack! Tell another!"

"No!" Chase yelled.

Everyone looked at him.

"Let me get the camcorder first!"


	2. Chapter 2

Jack's Tale pt. 2

"Jack Spicer, you have once again lost to us!" Omi laughed, holding his new Staff of Sōngshǔ.

Lamia sighed, "Omi, bragging is not very monk-like."

The small boy paused, "Jiejie* is right… I apologize, Jack Spicer."

Jack smiled, "This reminds me of a story."

Within seconds Lamia had her iPod on voice record and Chase had a camcorder.

"Once upon a time there was a boy. His name was Billy. Billy's life was very boring. His eyes were not green or blue, his skin wasn't too pale of too dark, his hair was neither dark nor light… in fact… it was purple! So he walks up to his mother and says, 'Mom, why is my hair purple?' and she responds, 'Because you're a purple alien. From the planet Purplopia!'

So Billy, also named Blagnarf, goes on a quest to find planet Purplopia. He tied a giant rocket to his back and ignited it. Unfortunately, though, Purpleopians need air like humans, so he died and floated on to become a comet crashing into the Earth while on fire.

Just a few miles away, Santa Claus watched Blagnarf fall to his death, laughing and demanding more wine from his Elf servants. He took the bottle and chugged it down, laughing like a fool he smashed the bottle on the elf's head. Now, what Santa didn't know was that when you hurt an elf, they go for revenge. So the elf turned into the Hulk and ripped Santa to pieces and, with the fat man gone, they were able to celebrate. The Hulk-elf screwed almost every elf at the Workshop and then when he got tired of them, he screwed Mrs. Claus. But she was overused and boring, so he went to the stables and raped the reindeer. Rudolph fell in love and the Hulk-elf and Rudolph had ugly little elven-reindeer babies. The babies all decided to travel the world, but one named Barney decided to go on Television and tempt small children into taking drugs, getting high, and having sex with him.

Finally, the police caught Barney and he was hauled to jail. He called his parents, but the Hulk-elf was too busy smashing things and Rudolph was making lunch. Rudolph laughed when Barney asked for help and hung up the phone. He took the plate of beef jerky out to the Hulk-elf and fed it to him, smiling. The Hulk-elf found it erotic and screwed Rudolph again, allowing them to have more ugly babies. Finally, the world was overly populated with Elven-reindeer babies and we all fell into the sun and burned for the rest of eternity!" Jack smiled, "And that is why there are pumpkins!"

Silence.

More silence.

Still more silence.

"What. The. Heck?" Wuya finally spoke.

Lamia and Chase grabbed Jack and teleported to his house.

"Jack… we need to use your computer."

Jack smiled, "Okie-doike! You can use the one in my lab."

Within Three weeks, everyone was talking about the video they saw online called 'The Story of Jack'.

*Jiejie means older sister. Lamia adopted Omi as her little brother because she, despite being Heylin, is close to the monks. She calls him Didi, which means younger brother. Oh, and the Staff of Sōngshǔ will make an appearance in my Chack: The Insanity We Call Life story.


End file.
